Violent Little Machine Shop's "Not A Survival Patch": What's In It?
Violent Little Machine Shop, self-proclaimed "key player" in the morale patch game, recently unveiled a break-through in patch technology. Similar to how Pizza Hut kept finding ways to hide cheese in a pizza, we started stuffing our patches with one of the best survival kits around.
There are two aspects to this Earth-shattering product now known affectionately as the Not A Survival Patch:
- People love buying survival equipment, even though most of them will never be in a position to use it and are likely to die if they were. There is humor in this, and we were not going to ignore that. For legal reasons we're specifically calling this "Not a Survival Patch", so on the off-chance that you do die while using our product, that family of yours that's been featured on People of Walmart weekly for the past 10 years doesn't sue us.
- We've all seen little survival kits in cases, bags, and pouches...so we wanted to take something as non-functional as a morale patch (like this, only infinitely less impressive) and actually make it serve a purpose. To be clear, this is the only morale patch on the market that actually does something.
And so began the short, climate controlled journey of the Not A Survival Patch...
We started by looking at the basic needs of humans, that most people already know about:
- Shelter: A place to keep your buttcheeks out of the elements.
- Water: You'll fucking die in less time than it takes Ronda Rousey to beat somebody's ass if you don't have this.
- Fire: Its caveman television that keeps you from freezing to death while also making it possible to boil water and cook squirrel.
- Food: Calories go out, and they also have to go in...it's like finances for your body.
With all of those wisdom nuggets in mind, we started rounding up the supplies that we'd need to get all those bases covered with minimal equipment that would fit into a compact space. Fitting a tarp for shelter into a patch is obviously a dumb idea. The next best idea would be to go with monofilament (fishing line). Perhaps you're confused, "guys...I can't keep the rain off my balls with fishing line." Fuck you, you can't! You can use the fishing line to tie a sturdy branch to a tree, and then you can stack a bunch of smaller branches up against that branch to make a lean-to. We included a handy-dandy knot tying instruction card packet so that you can rig that shit up no problem...and there's a saw blade in the included ReadyMan Survival Card to help you harvest those branches and make it fit just right. Boom...shelter.
Next up on the hit-list is water. A liter of Fiji Water for your fancy ass isn't as compact as we thought it was going to be...so instead we included two water purification tablets. One of these tablets dropped into a liter of giardia-stew will leave you with completely drinkable life nectar. High five, you are now not going to die of dehydration like some 16 year old white girl on a booze bender.
Now for the exciting shit...fire. Luckily, matches are quite compact. In case you aren't aware, these things called "Storm Proof Matches" exist. These sorcery sticks are like budget fireworks! They can be lit while you're in a damn tornado, and can even get wet while on fire and they will relight themselves. What an exciting time to be alive! Unfortunately, if all you have to burn is damp twigs...you're going to have one hell of a time getting a useful fire going. Not to worry...we know of a great solution: Vaseline Dipped Cotton Balls. These lubed up pyro-candies light super easy, and stay lit plenty long enough to get your fire going. We included a couple of these balls because we aren't cheap bastards, and you might somehow fuck up the first time.
Okay, so now on to the final piece of this don't-die-puzzle: Food. We tried to fit a bag of Peanut M&M's in there, but we just ate them all ourselves instead because we have self-control issues. The next logical step was to just go with a set-up that allowed you to obtain your own damn meal. We were already selling the ReadyMan Survival Cards, so it made sense to include that as a means for you obtaining that fatfuck of a squirrel that keeps you up at night. We're not in the mood to type out all the badass things this card includes, but I'll just say that you can make a trident (oh fuck yes), snares (rabbit is delicious), or use one of the razor sharp fishing hooks and the included fishing line to slay you an aquatic dragon.
Great, we've now covered all the survival essentials...but how does the single use superglue or handcuff key make it into this velcro backed life saver? Well, for one, there's some sharp shit in this patch...not to mention all the assholes in nature that are constantly trying to separate your blood from your body. Being as how you're probably too much of a pussy to sew your own wound shut (if you happen to be man enough to do that, the ReadyMan Survival Card has a sewing needle that you can use with the thread keeping the velcro attached to the leather patch to make a painful suture), the superglue acts as an ultra fast and easy way to close a small gash. Yes, this glue will hurt like hell...and those chemicals in your bloodstream probably aren't as good for you as that kale smoothy you get every Tuesday, made by that 10 in the lulu's at your hot yoga class.....but it's better than that bitch gangrene. There's also the benefit of being able to stick two things together...which can help with anything ranging from weapon fabrication to making a knot more permanent. Right...so all this is making a lot of sense, yeah? Well, we still haven't talked about the TIHK. Honestly, the "Tiny Inconspicuous Handcuff Key" is just a sweet little piece of gear that was easy for us to include. It just seemed right to have the ability to get yourself out of a set of handcuffs...and it added that subtle touch of random that we put into most things we make here.
Wow...that's a lot of words up there. Who has time to read anymore? Don't worry...here's a visual overview of our "Oh Shit" offering:
"Damn, I gotta have this. But where do I stash it?" Well that's entirely up to you...but we have two favorite spots for ours: Our "Fuck This Shit I'm Out" bags, and the headliner in our trucks.
If you think this the greatest thing since yoga pants...electric slide your ass on over here and snag one.