From the Delta to the DMZ, Violent Little Machine Shop is bringing the heat. This month's Little Bag of Violence was inspired by Vietnam and the hard-as-nails Gentlemen who frequented the swamps in search of Victor Charles...and those bold-ass men who visited the late night parlors of women-of-the-night. So grab your Mk-79 frag and your 45 pistol and clear that spider hole, because shit's about to go down. Click below to sign up for your own subscription. Bills on the first, ships on the 10th. $30 with FREE US Shipping. Comes with an exclusive and limited patch and t-shirt, and a mystery item.
GEN. NGUYEN NGOC LOAN WAS QUOTED SAYING "THESE GUYS KILL A LOT OF OUR PEOPLE AND I THINK BUDDHA WILL FORGIVE ME". WAX POETIC. THIS GUY HAD A BAD DAY...COMMIE.
NOT REALLY ANYTHING TO DO WITH NAM BUT IT'LL DRIVE PEOPLE SO CRAZY THEY'RE GONNA THINK THEY'RE BACK IN THE SHIT. AN EGGSHELL STICKER PEELS INTO A MILLION LITTLE PEICES WHEN YOU TRY TO PEEL IT. QUITE ANNOYING AND WILL CAUSE ANYBODY WHO PARKS LIKE AN ASSHOLE TO THINK TWICE.
HASHTAG YOUR #LITTLEBAGOFVIOLENCE ON INSTAGRAM. BEST MONTHLY PHOTO WINS A SWEETLY LACKLUSTER PRIZE.
VLMS: Tell us a little about yourselves:
Reid: Well, I’m currently active duty military. Full time husband, full time father, full time student, and part time patch designer. I enjoy getting outdoors, grilling assorted meats, and travelling overseas. I enjoy a fine scotch, a mellow cigar, and revenge on my enemies.
Jon: I'm a graphic designer by day, and a husband/father 24/7. I don't always get to flex my creative muscles at work that much, so patch design is one of the ways I get that fix. I enjoy a good stout, weird roadside attractions and getting lost in the woods.
VLMS: What kinds of fucked up shit are you guys into?
Reid: I collect dirty Band-Aids that have fallen off of strangers from any public pools I visit. I have 12,465. Each of them have names and I categorize them by blood type, geographic origin, and flavor. The best flavor you ask? Maurice.
Jon: I'm a simple guy. I like a good round of disc golf while enjoying a hoppy adult beverage. The sound of those discs hitting the chains, echoing in the woods, is like music to my ears. It's really freeing since I play completely naked, which is doubly interesting, because I'm also a hugger.
VLMS: What do you do in the military? How long have you been in?
Reid: I started my military career turning wrenches on engines for the mighty KC-135. You can't kick ass without tanker gas, am I right?? However, after becoming sufficiently jaded fixing the same crap and cleaning out desert sand from the cowling, I decided it'd be much easier to break the jets than fix them. I ended up heading to pilot training, mostly to wear pajamas and be worshiped by the "normies". Unfortunately, what no one told me about flying planes is that they expect you to also LAND the planes. Which is BS. Apparently, I'm not so good at that part. So, after being forcibly and permanently grounded with extreme prejudice and a near lawsuit, the powers that be saw fit to transition me from fighter pilot to fiber pilot. I'm now in a Joint mission with [REDACTED] where I [REDACTED] in a building with no windows.
Jon: I thought about joining up, but I've got the whole Steve-Rogers-pre-super-soldier-serum thing going on right now, and unfortunately the Army tells me there's no super-soldier-serum. I call them every other day just in case. Since my dreams are thoroughly crushed, I opted for the civvy life and got a liberal arts degree in design. So now, I'm lucky if I'll be able to pay back the loans I had to take out for my TI-83 calculator in college (pro tip, turns out you don't even need a TI-83 for a liberal arts degree, it’s basically just talking about your feelings for 4 years).
VLMS: Do you think you've missed the boat on this whole patch thing...I mean, a little late to the party, right? Its kind of like being into coke and just skipping the 80's...
Reid: If there is one thing I've learned from consistently showing up late to staff meetings and All Calls, it’s that if you're late, you usually miss a whole bunch of the BS, and you look super important interrupting all the people who actually deserved to be there and you get stared at the whole time as you make your way loudly to your seat.
Jon: "Did someone say ice cold refreshing Coca-Cola?" See? That's that liberal arts degree at work. Now you want a coke right? Right!? I’m a genius at marketing! Or any other liberal arts… they’re all the same really. Someone pay me! I'm so hungry….
VLMS: Where have you been overseas...any good "port call" stories you can share?
Reid: I'm Air Force, so I'm not sure what this "port" is you speak of. Do you want me to regale you with stories of maxing out my Hilton rewards points, and getting upgraded to the Executive Suite? I don't have any good lady-boy or donkey-show stories like a damn Sailor or Marine. I mean, one time the maid forgot to put a chocolate on my pillow and I throat punched her. Does that count? I once vomited in a flower pot in Ho Chi Minh city, and took a well-angled picture of Mao saluting a Walmart in Beijing because 'Merica.
Jon: Well if Reid’s not going to talk about it, there was this one time in Thailand where we found this bar. And for $3 American you could… hold on.. Reid’s giving me the secret "shut up or I’ll kill you" hand signal... Stand by.
VLMS: Doing business with us can be a liability...I mean, if you ever run for president this is going to come back to bite you in the ass. You think this is the right call?
Reid: So, this shit-show of a 2016 election has taught me you can pretty much be the world's largest douche and be nominated by either party, so I'm not overly worried. Considering a veteran hasn't ran for President since GW, and Mattis isn't taking the hint, by the time I throw my hat in the ring, assuming we still have a democracy, I'll be a breath of fresh air. "Oh look, this guy had principles for at least a little bit and he looked out for someone other than himself, well hot damn, it’s about time". My campaign slogan will be "Sorry I'm late".
Jon: I plan on being the Billy Carter to Reid's Jimmy Carter. A comical background figure, shamelessly promoting a beer named after me while leaving a trail of international scandal. What a scamp!
VLMS: Will you give us a glimpse into any future projects?
Reid: Well, I know Jon is working on something LotR related so we’ll get back to our roots a little with that one. I’m working on a project that will represent all the branches of service, and another that I hope really gets at the heart of the patch community. I’m planning on a series of patches that can only be purchased in “grab bag” format. There will be a series of 6, but it’ll be a random selection of two when you purchase it. In order to collect all 6, you’ll have to trade with other collectors. I’m hoping to inspire a resurgence of trading, because who doesn’t remember how much fun that was when you were a kid? I remember carrying all my duplicate X-men cards around trying to find someone who had the cards I needed to fill out my collection. I hope it’ll be fun for everyone.
Jon: While Reid is working on a couple of really cool projects for the military crowd, I've got a couple of LotR patches that will continue to represent our namesake. While or first LotR patch was a fun trip through the shire, the next one comes from a darker side of Middle Earth. That's all I've got to say about that for now.
Join us in welcoming Reid, Jon, and the Southfarthing Patch Co. to the game of bullshit we call "patches". Well done, boys!