The Tactical Wallet by Violent Little Machine Shop
We see more and more every day that people are becoming increasingly fixated on the concept of “Every Day Carry”. This is most prominently seen in the Tactical space. Concealed carry sidearm, folder knife (or two), your favorite Violent Little morale patch, maybe a multitool...and a plain ole leather wallet (or worse...a velcro trifold). Why does nobody carry a tactical wallet? Maybe because the notion of a tactical wallet is ridiculous, but we have the next best thing.
Fortunately, the crew at Violent Little Machine Shop have just the remedy for such a travesty; The Kydex Shock Wallet. It’s bomb-proof, water-proof, idiot-proof, _____-proof, light, fast, tactically tactical, and it’ll probably even make you age slower.
We decided to use Kydex as our material for the same reasons it’s used for damn near every gun holster you see any more (apparently Kydex is mandatory to be considered a tactical wallet). Kydex is a thermoplastic acrylic-polyvinyl chloride, which is a fancy term used by people who want to sound smart. Essentially, it’s a plastic made from acrylic and PVC. This little match made-in-heaven results in a plastic that has the rigidity and formability characteristics of acrylic, with the toughness, chemical resistance (read: buttsweat-proof), and high finish capabilities from PVC. Unlike Kip’s tupperware set, this product can actually be ran over by a 1975 Dodge Tradesman Van (to be honest, we haven’t actually tested this).
So now onto the actual design of this tactical wallet…
The concept was to create a wallet simple enough for the Violent Little Crew to use, hold all the maxed out credit cards we could muster up, and be thin enough to not cause pressure points on those long hungover drives back from Jackpot, NV. Our aesthetic preferences change about every 6 hours, so we needed a material that came in countless finishes, textures, and colors -everything from zombie green to carbon fiber to Kryptek Highlander. Also we wanted to be able to ask people who wear 5.11 pants casually, “Yeah, but is your wallet tactical?”
All this shenaniganry swirled around a whiskey barrel of boredom, and out came our Kydex Shock Wallet.
You can stash 1 to 35 cards in this wallet.
Allow us to point out the significance of this feature: The wallet remains tightly bound with only one card in it, and doesn’t burst at the seams (note: there are no actual seams) when loaded up with 35 f*%$ing plastic cards. That should be enough italicised words to get that point across.
It’s made of Kydex.
You trust Kydex to keep your gun on your hip, and your knife from silently slicing into your hairy thighs. You might as well trust this tactically indestructible material to keep your sweaty buttcheeks from ruining your $250 limit-secured credit card. It isn’t going to crack under your pasty mass, or scratch when thrown on that dirty carpet of yours that you haven’t vacuumed since you signed your lease (this is probably why you aren’t getting laid).
Dead simple Shock Cord Tension System.
We literally just made up the “Shock Cord Tension System” name, but it’s accurate and sounds official. The notches at various positions allow you to change, on-the-fly, how tightly bound your wallet is. This also gives a handy spot to slip in a counterfeit $50 bill, allowing you to impress all those coeds at the bar that aren’t really going to pay any attention to you anyway. On a more relatable point, it’s an optimal spot to keep your Military ID to flash at the guard base. The guard will be impressed with how tactical you are and a conversation will ensue as to where they might obtain one.
Get More Thumb Hole.
Our “patented” cut out on the bottom of the wallet allows swift access to your crushing debt with a simple push up. It’s like watching David Blaine scare the shit out of strangers by making the card their grandma has tattooed on her saggy tits rise up out of the deck. This simple little feature takes the wallet from Aubrey Plaza to Mila Kunis.
The files are in the computer, and the knots are in the wallet.
This keeps the profile of the wallet smooth...and smooth is fast. There’s nothing to snag on the inside of your jean pockets. This wallet is a damn lubed-up machine. Also the edges are chamfered. We know your delicate sad excuse for hands are at least as pathetic as ours. So we made the decision that any fine craftsmen would make, and chamfered the edges for a nice safe feel….like sleeping in sheets made out of cocoa butter. Not tactical.
Let’s be real: You have just spent the last 5 minutes of your life reading about this tactical wallet of ours. At this point, that would be a tremendous waste of time if you don’t end up buying one. Imagine how much better your life will be with one. Damn...so much better.
Highest of Fives,
_The Violent Crew