Violent Little Email of the Week: Douchebag Repellant

by Yanne Root | March 19, 2016 | 1 Comment

This week's customer email of the week comes from Matthew H. Matt wins our brand new Abe Froman Sausage King Ferris Bueller patch. This week's story is a pleasant little funny military story that we can all appreciate. If you want to write to us -insults, threats, extortions...send your emails to We pick the best one for a prize every week.







We've heard from Matthew every month or so...mainly because we're enamored that he has a Wolfdog named Fenrir who is a master escape artist, as most wolf dogs usually are.

Matthew writes in:

"Yanne and the other jackasses I love in Idaho....,

Got something to run up the flagpole here.  Promise I'm sober even though it's 1219 hours on Saturday here.  You guys have really become a favorite place for me to blow my money on shit I don't need.  The top favorite vice I have otherwise is cigars.  I am desperately hoping that you guys blaze up a fat one from time to time with the scotch, but that's another vicarious thought of what goes on at VLMS.  Anyhoo, I've got a stupid patch idea I'd really like to see you guys execute in expected Violent Little fashion.  First a story behind it-

Stay with me here...  I have a little phrase I use when confronted by limp wristed DB hipster male humans that I would otherwise like to end when they confront me about my cigars.  I have only used this highly effective retort a handful of times in life, but it works a helluva lot better than Brian Fantana's Sex Panther.  Anyway, the best story of its use comes from Afghanistan, of course.  I was incarcerated for a week at FOB Warrior on Bagram air base waiting to go to my final downrange destination.  Warrior sucks dog balls bigger than life.  Nasty tent city right along the runway so you can enjoy every Air Force pilot asshole that just HAS to fire up the afterburners on his Strike Eagle every godddam time they go down the runway.  But I digress again.  I am about halfway through that hell week of Nothing To Do But Wait keeping my sanity by smoking like it's good for me.  I am blazing it up at a smoking table with an NCO from another unit bullshitting when this airman barges out of the "Air Force Only" tent with "Hey!  That cigar smoke is blowing in the tent!"  The little nugget changes his tone quick as I turn around slowly and he sees my rank.  Next words from him are "Sorry sir, but that cigar smoke is blowing into our tent and bothering some people".  I give him the 1000 meter stare and say "It's not a cigar, it's douchebag repellent" and continue to stare.  He lowers his head and goes pouting back into the tent.  I turn back to the NCO and say "See, it works."  He proceeds to laugh until he chokes on his cigarette.

So, I would love to see some kind of stupid patch with "IT'S NOT A CIGAR, IT'S DOUCHEBAG REPELLENT" on it.  Leather, PVC, who cares, but I know you could market the shit out of it to all the tacticool cigar aficionados.

Stay frosty my friends."
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1 Comment

Mike said:

That would be a patch to see, by far

March 26, 2016

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