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10 things people aren't offended by...yet

by Nate Hoff | March 26, 2019 | 0 Comments

As part of our creative process here at Violent Little, we like to come up with "lists". Someone comes up with a topic and we all come up with 5-10 answers on our own. This gets the creative "juices" flowing and is generally just a fun activity. This is one of my lists from a recent session and I keep coming back to it realizing how true this is going to be. The idea was to come up with 10 things people aren't offended by yet, but surely some 20 something-year-old liberal arts major with bangs will be upset about soon. So enjoy these 10 things before they're ruined by the younger generations.

1. Professional Sports   

  Seems a little like slavery doesn't it? Just trading people for money. I mean, let's ignore the fact it's a voluntary, high paying profession that is highly respected. The people that will be offended by this are far from athletic, and probably upset because professional athletes represent everything they aren't. Successful, fit, wealthy, good looking, don't live with their parents.

2. Unauthentic ethnic food

 Cultural appropriation anyone? This will be made worse by non-indigenous people cooking the food. Nobody is mad that Steve, the community college student is cooking their tacos yet, but just you wait. This one will take a while though because virtue signalers love tacos (the only thing we can all agree on). 

3. Education

 So we're just going to sit back and let children think they're better than someone else because they worked harder in school? That's apparently what Aunt Becky from Full House thought when she paid off officials to get her kids into better Colleges. It didn't work out for her, and it won't work out for anyone else. Choose your rate, choose your fate.

4. Lines

 In this day and age with all the younger generations thinking communism is cool you know they're going to complain that lines are just a form of discrimination and inequality. Also, nobody wants to put in the work, so why would they want to stand in line for anything?

5. Their own existence

 To be fair, I'm also offended by their existence. These whiney kids will complain that they never asked to be born or live so therefore they're offended by the thought that they have to do anything or contribute to society. Not that living at your parents and playing video games all day is contributing shit.

6. Frozen water being called "ICE"

 This one is pretty self-explanatory. Immigration and Customs Enforcement is the most hated government agency by people that oddly want more government involvement in their everyday lives. At least one person is already protesting the ice maker on their refrigerator because it makes them feel racist for using it. 

7. Hooded Sweatshirts

 Seems a bit "Klanny" doesn't it? I mean, why can't people just wear hats instead? the convenience of an extra layer attached to your sweatshirt will eventually be lost on some people. It's fair to say that when this time comes, it won't be from the mouths of people that live in cold weather climates.

8. The phrase "Thank You"

 I honestly don't know where I was going with this one, but you know it will offend someone. My mind doesn't even function in a way to find this offensive, but I'm sure it will be from someone citing how men would "thank" prostitutes in the early 1900s or some bullshit like that.

9. Toe Socks

 So you're just going to assume that everyone has 10 toes? What about those who were born with 9 or 11? This anger won't apply to gloves or two-legged pants however, because that would inconvenience them too much. Unless everyone just wore dresses...fuck, now that'll become a thing.

10. Reading Rainbow

 How could anyone be offended by Reading Rainbow or LeVar Burton? Oh, they'll find a way. People get offended by books all the time. It seems like every week there's a new book under fire by the PTA. I think I heard the other day that "Everybody Poops" was being called "elitist".  

Violent Little Invades Bend Oregon

by Shelly Root | March 08, 2019 | 0 Comments

And it's gonna get weird.

Violent Little is coming to Bend Oregon...

 

Locals beware, we will be in Bend, Oregon this Monday, March 11th through the 14th. We're bringing a pocket pull of Dick Picks and an appetite to get weird. If you want to show us your creepy basement or possibly meet us for tacos call our hotline (208) 720-8747. 

How To: Properly show people your dick picks

by Nate Hoff | January 22, 2019 | 0 Comments

I think we can all agree that 2019 is a weird time. The company that makes your razor thinks you're a POS, Seinfeld is considered offensive to the younger, softer generations, and the Chiefs are a relevant football team again. On top of that, it's now considered normal to send people pictures of the ole' twig and berries. How is George Costanza offensive, but a strangers lap rocket randomly sent to your phone considered a normal thing? Call me old fashioned, but I prefer to introduce myself like a gentleman. Make small talk, have a drink, then let her see it in the backseat of my Plymouth in the bowling alley parking lot. But since this is 2019 that doesn't work anymore, I've had to learn the art of the showing girls my dick picks.

I'd like to think I'm a decent looking guy, but I'm not getting invited to any supermodel bubble bath pillow fight parties by any means. That's why I have to rely more heavily on my humor to seal any deals. For that reason, I open up with the best wingman of all the "Violent Little Dick Picks"

 

It turns out women (and men) actually love getting our dick picks. I'm not talking about the poorly lit, side shot of some dudes clam hammer either. Owning these dick picks is like stumbling into a personality. When you've got a pocket full of dick picks everyone is your friend. Well, except that one girl at the bar who was "above" that kind of humor. Jokes on you, Becky, you aren't even that attractive!

Here are a few tips for showing people your dick picks:

  1. Don't squander your dick picks. If you whip it out to show someone, they're probably going to want to keep it. Don't waste them on someone with a case of RBF (unless you want the challenge).
  2. Have your dick pick ready to whip out. If you walk up and ask "Do you want to see my dick pick?" things could go south in a hurry if you aren't prepared to immediately show off the goods.
  3. Invest in a fine tip silver sharpie. Though these dick picks are small (They're growers, not showers) they are big enough to write your phone number on. 
  4. You gotta know when to hold em' and when to fold em'. Actually, that's BS. I have yet to find a scenario where these weren't funny.
  5. Use your new powers sparingly. Statistically, you will get a 63% jump in "game". Don't let it get to your head. Like an Instagram model, it could all be gone in an instant. Then you'll just be another average looking person with the personality of a shoe.

If you're still on the fence about buying a set of "Violent Little Dick Picks", let me leave you with this totally real, not made up testimony from an actual girl I met last weekend at a bar (a straight bar).

"Once Nate showed me his dick pick I knew instantly I wanted to take him back to my mansion and make love to him on a pile of money. Without that dick pick, I probably wouldn't have even acknowledged him"

Did I mention she was a Swiss model too...yeah...and like super hot. I'd give you her name but you wouldn't know her, she goes to a different school.

 

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