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How To: Properly show people your dick picks

by Nate Hoff | January 22, 2019 | 130 Comments

I think we can all agree that 2019 is a weird time. The company that makes your razor thinks you're a POS, Seinfeld is considered offensive to the younger, softer generations, and the Chiefs are a relevant football team again. On top of that, it's now considered normal to send people pictures of the ole' twig and berries. How is George Costanza offensive, but a strangers lap rocket randomly sent to your phone considered a normal thing? Call me old fashioned, but I prefer to introduce myself like a gentleman. Make small talk, have a drink, then let her see it in the backseat of my Plymouth in the bowling alley parking lot. But since this is 2019 that doesn't work anymore, I've had to learn the art of the showing girls my dick picks.

I'd like to think I'm a decent looking guy, but I'm not getting invited to any supermodel bubble bath pillow fight parties by any means. That's why I have to rely more heavily on my humor to seal any deals. For that reason, I open up with the best wingman of all the "Violent Little Dick Picks"

 

It turns out women (and men) actually love getting our dick picks. I'm not talking about the poorly lit, side shot of some dudes clam hammer either. Owning these dick picks is like stumbling into a personality. When you've got a pocket full of dick picks everyone is your friend. Well, except that one girl at the bar who was "above" that kind of humor. Jokes on you, Becky, you aren't even that attractive!

Here are a few tips for showing people your dick picks:

  1. Don't squander your dick picks. If you whip it out to show someone, they're probably going to want to keep it. Don't waste them on someone with a case of RBF (unless you want the challenge).
  2. Have your dick pick ready to whip out. If you walk up and ask "Do you want to see my dick pick?" things could go south in a hurry if you aren't prepared to immediately show off the goods.
  3. Invest in a fine tip silver sharpie. Though these dick picks are small (They're growers, not showers) they are big enough to write your phone number on. 
  4. You gotta know when to hold em' and when to fold em'. Actually, that's BS. I have yet to find a scenario where these weren't funny.
  5. Use your new powers sparingly. Statistically, you will get a 63% jump in "game". Don't let it get to your head. Like an Instagram model, it could all be gone in an instant. Then you'll just be another average looking person with the personality of a shoe.

If you're still on the fence about buying a set of "Violent Little Dick Picks", let me leave you with this totally real, not made up testimony from an actual girl I met last weekend at a bar (a straight bar).

"Once Nate showed me his dick pick I knew instantly I wanted to take him back to my mansion and make love to him on a pile of money. Without that dick pick, I probably wouldn't have even acknowledged him"

Did I mention she was a Swiss model too...yeah...and like super hot. I'd give you her name but you wouldn't know her, she goes to a different school.

 

Life After The Military

by Nate Hoff | December 18, 2018 | 1 Comment

When I joined the military after my senior year of high school, it was primarily for one reason, to pay for college. I had always wanted to be a mechanical engineer and dreamt of building cool shit for a living. The military seemed like the perfect way to fund that ambition. As most people know, however, the military has a way of changing your outlook on life. Instead of going to school to be an engineer, I decided to get a degree in Fire and Explosion Investigation. My father is an investigator, so naturally, it seemed like a good fit. Plus, I'd get to blow shit up in class. Add in a minor in Homeland Security and I was sure to land some badass agency job doing Jack Bauer type shit. Or so I thought...

I didn't get out of the military entirely once I went to college. The National Guard allowed me to make some extra money and keep health benefits while in school, plus keeping a security clearance seemed like a good idea at the time. I drilled once a month and deployed a handful more times, which resulted in my 4-year degree taking seven years (insert Tommy Boy reference here). I didn't mind though, life was good as a veteran using the GI Bill, and the classes were actually fun.

At some point in the program, you start to realize that life as an explosives investigator is a lot more like doing a 15,000 piece puzzle and writing a report about it, and a lot less like CSI. Although fun in its own right, spending the next 20+ years sifting through debris and the occasional pile of human remains no longer seemed like the right path for me. My role was always the person responsible for reconstructing the bomb from all the fragments collected, finding the exact pieces used and tracing them back to their point of origin (were they where purchased). In all that time I was never once wrong. That was one of my two areas of expertise. The other was, and still is, interrogations. I probably don't need to explain why that one is fun.

Come graduation time, I was faced with a dilemma: I had the opportunity to interview in D.C. to be a low-level employee at some of the agencies. I already had a few solved cases under my belt and was one of the top explosives investigators in my class. For me, the idea of sifting through evidence and going to court for the rest of my adult life just didn't seem like a good option. Instead, I packed everything I owned and moved to the mountains of Idaho with no job, a few dollars and no place to live. It seems to have worked out.

I miss the satisfaction of solving cases from time to time. To fill that void I work as the Fire Investigator for a local department. I'll never question if I made the right choice though. If you've read any of the issues of the "Violent Little Bathroom Magazine" you know we have fun here. Call me crazy, but designing products like the "Mutt Cutts Van" Morale Patch and "The Hub" Morale Patch is more fun than writing reports.

-Nate

Nate's Patch History

by Nate Hoff | November 19, 2018 | 0 Comments

Most of you might assume I was born into patch royalty, or that I was bioengineered in some sort of top-secret lab in East St. Louis. My story, however, is actually far stranger than that. It actually begins at a rainy Grateful Dead concert in 1973. That night would later be known as "Pudorem Nox Mortuus" which roughly translates to "The night modesty died". Hold onto your butts, it's about to get weird.

Ok, so none of that is true, but I got your attention and in this era of Instagram models and Candy Crush that's pretty good. My story is actually similar to everyone else's. Over the next four and a half hours (or five minutes if you read at a 3rd-grade level) I'm going to talk about a few of my favorite patches, how I started collecting them, and why I think Allison Brie should respond to my marriage proposals. 

The first few patches I acquired as a child were patches I found that belonged to my Dad, which I then took or patches of BMX companies. The one I remember most was an embroidered patch that simply said: "Kiss this patch". I have no idea what happened to that patch, it's probably with my retainer and Ozzy Osbourne tapes at my parent's house. 

I didn't really collect any patches from then until my first deployment in 2006. I was working with the Border Patrol doing surveillance in Southern Arizona when I acquired a velcro backed Border Patrol patch. I stuck that bad boy on my Camelbak which is where it lived through my next 4 years in the military. 

In 2009 on my second deployment to Afghanistan is where I was introduced to morale patches. I'd always swapped patches with units I worked with in the AOR but had never purchased one. There was a lady on base that sold, what I now realize are terribly embroidered morale patches. I don't remember what I paid for the one below, but it was definitely too much.

Throughout the next handful of deployments, College, and joining the Fire Department I ended up with about 30 patches. Then in 2016, I was introduced to this Morale Patch company a few doors down from the photographer I was working for called Violent Little Machine Shop. They had a job opening so I walked down there to introduce myself and drop off my resume (Full disclosure, my resume was a picture of Bruce Jenner from the Olympics but I never gave it to Yanne). I didn't get the job that time around (I blame Obama), but a year later I found myself as the warehouse manager at VLMS. The patches were always cool online, but packing them all day every day really makes you want them. I started to collect a few of my favorites and eventually got to try my hand at designing them.  

My first patch project was the "I'm Gonna Burn This Mother Down" Morale Patch inspired by my love of Office Space and Fire, this first one seemed like a no-brainer. I followed that patch up with a few other patches inspired by my favorite movies, such as the Mutt Cutts Morale Patch

It's been a year since my first patch drop, and I've created more patches than I can even remember right now. The good news for you, I'm not stopping any time soon. You can continue to look forward to my slightly askew sense of humor and progressively offensive patches. Because if your patch doesn't start a conversation what's it even there for?

 

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