by Steven Bartholomew |
July 19, 2022
|
Happy Julyteenth, Everybody (This means nothing by the way)
First, let's get the obvious out of the way, this patch is in no way affiliated with Too tsie Rolls Industries. I picked up a few tactics on tricking those algorithms from Yanne during our last candy bar patch hiatus. (For those of you just joining us, we pulled a similar stunt with our "Fuckers" Patch.) We've thought all this through. See, if you're going to dabble in parody law, might as well do it with a large chocolate corporation. At least they'll probably have free candy bars in the board room while you wait to meet with the legal team.
Speaking of legal teams, so Felicien Kabuga is fucked, huh? The asshole accused of funding the Rwanda Genocide was finally caught and thrown in "The Hague" (This is not breaking news). That name sounds like either a map from Call of Duty or an absolutely terrifying prison in a foreign country. For his sake, I hope it's the latter. He pleaded not guilty for his crimes against humanity, even though he was in hiding for 26 years. Sounds like they must have needed all the time they could get to get everyone's stories straight. But I'll save that for the prosecution team.
Signing off.
-Steven
Posted in
new products,
patches,
Violent Little
by Steven Bartholomew |
May 27, 2022
|
Steven here -I'm positive anybody who has ever served in the military has a plethora of "this is the worst day of my life" moments. It's quite common, I would even go as far as saying it's inevitable with that line of work. The shitstorm isn't prejudice, no rank can save you from "one of those days". I had my fair share of shitty days, but one, without a doubt, stands above the rest.
August 27th, 2017: It was a beautiful, sunny day in Norfolk, Virginia. But this story starts the day before, on Saturday. It was the night of the Conor Mcgregor v Floyd Mayweather fight. I had the entire day off, so me and a few other immobile E-nothings (none of us had cars and were pretty new to the whole Navy thing) were trying to make plans to watch the fight. We decided we'd get a taxi to Hooters, since we all still lived on the ship, and we'd pregame in the parking lot before going in. Absolutely fool proof. So, after a few parking lot tall boys we made our way in and got a table. The rest of the night consisted of wings, nachos, and pitchers.
We got shitfaced. Afterward, we had to taxi back to our humble, iron abode. About 30 minutes goes by, and I start to feel sick. But it wasn't a “I had too much to drink kind of sick”, it was a “my stomach is about to explode kind of sick”. Not long after that, I'm on all fours, inside the base vomiting in the bushes. I had a double whammy of Food Poisoning and enough Beer in my system to keep a couple Nascar fans happy for a couple hours. It was atrocious.
The next day, Sunday, I had fucking Duty. I had to be alert, clean shaven, and presentable by 6:30am for Duty Muster. After a night of sitting in a head stall trying to make negotiations with God to end this suffering, presentable I was not. I was hungover as all hell, dealing with a "double dragon" situation, and we were going out to sea on Monday for a couple weeks in which I had not packed anything for. I tried to explain my situation to the chain, but they refused to believe my story and accused me of just being hungover, not their first rodeo. So those assholes gave me a 1200-1600 quarterdeck watch, in dress whites, during the hottest part of the day. Brutal isn't the half of it. Luckily, the LTJG on watch had some sympathy and excused me for all my emergency trips to the head.
The rest of my day consisted of firefighting drills in full ensemble, musters, and painting pad-eyes on the flight deck. By the end of the night, I'd have taken a dishonorable discharge to never have to see that boat again. Without a doubt, none of the other bullshit we put up with can even compare to what that 24 hours was like. Now it's just a funny story I tell people when I need some recognition.
-Shipmate Steven
by Nate Hoff |
March 26, 2019
|
As part of our creative process here at Violent Little, we like to come up with "lists". Someone comes up with a topic and we all come up with 5-10 answers on our own. This gets the creative "juices" flowing and is generally just a fun activity. This is one of my lists from a recent session and I keep coming back to it realizing how true this is going to be. The idea was to come up with 10 things people aren't offended by yet, but surely some 20 something-year-old liberal arts major with bangs will be upset about soon. So enjoy these 10 things before they're ruined by the younger generations.
1. Professional Sports
Seems a little like slavery doesn't it? Just trading people for money. I mean, let's ignore the fact it's a voluntary, high paying profession that is highly respected. The people that will be offended by this are far from athletic, and probably upset because professional athletes represent everything they aren't. Successful, fit, wealthy, good looking, don't live with their parents.
2. Unauthentic ethnic food
Cultural appropriation anyone? This will be made worse by non-indigenous people cooking the food. Nobody is mad that Steve, the community college student is cooking their tacos yet, but just you wait. This one will take a while though because virtue signalers love tacos (the only thing we can all agree on).
3. Education
So we're just going to sit back and let children think they're better than someone else because they worked harder in school? That's apparently what Aunt Becky from Full House thought when she paid off officials to get her kids into better Colleges. It didn't work out for her, and it won't work out for anyone else. Choose your rate, choose your fate.
4. Lines
In this day and age with all the younger generations thinking communism is cool you know they're going to complain that lines are just a form of discrimination and inequality. Also, nobody wants to put in the work, so why would they want to stand in line for anything?
5. Their own existence
To be fair, I'm also offended by their existence. These whiney kids will complain that they never asked to be born or live so therefore they're offended by the thought that they have to do anything or contribute to society. Not that living at your parents and playing video games all day is contributing shit.
6. Frozen water being called "ICE"
This one is pretty self-explanatory. Immigration and Customs Enforcement is the most hated government agency by people that oddly want more government involvement in their everyday lives. At least one person is already protesting the ice maker on their refrigerator because it makes them feel racist for using it.
7. Hooded Sweatshirts
Seems a bit "Klanny" doesn't it? I mean, why can't people just wear hats instead? the convenience of an extra layer attached to your sweatshirt will eventually be lost on some people. It's fair to say that when this time comes, it won't be from the mouths of people that live in cold weather climates.
8. The phrase "Thank You"
I honestly don't know where I was going with this one, but you know it will offend someone. My mind doesn't even function in a way to find this offensive, but I'm sure it will be from someone citing how men would "thank" prostitutes in the early 1900s or some bullshit like that.
9. Toe Socks
So you're just going to assume that everyone has 10 toes? What about those who were born with 9 or 11? This anger won't apply to gloves or two-legged pants however, because that would inconvenience them too much. Unless everyone just wore dresses...fuck, now that'll become a thing.
10. Reading Rainbow
How could anyone be offended by Reading Rainbow or LeVar Burton? Oh, they'll find a way. People get offended by books all the time. It seems like every week there's a new book under fire by the PTA. I think I heard the other day that "Everybody Poops" was being called "elitist".
