by Steven Bartholomew |
July 25, 2022
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Howdy,
I'm sure you've been wondering what the hell happened to our Weekly emails. Well, when we don't have much to say (ie, there's no new products or restocks) we tend to just shut the fuck up. Who likes the guy at the party contributing nothing of value, but running his suck...all the time.
The number one rule at Violent Little is "Don't bullshit the customer". But if there had to be a number two rule, which has been ingrained in my brain since day one, it would be to "Get real weird with it." Now the only thing weirder than a Velcro Fanny Pack is the idea that people need a variety of velcro products to choose from. Search no further, because we're stocked back up with more velcro fuckery.
Yes, this bag essentially serves the same purpose as the fanny pack. Which is basically "how can I carry my shit in the most obnoxious way possible". But there are some tactical differences with this one. It's smaller, which forces you to pack light and move quickly. Also, when fully packed, it's about the size of a Nerf Football, and who doesn't love fucking around with one of those?
If you find yourself trying to decide between this bag and the fanny pack, I'm happy to inform you this little velcro bag does fit inside the fanny pack. Picture this, you got your velcro fanny pack around your waist, swagged the fuck out in patches, and some asshole asks you "What do you keep in that ridiculous fanny pack?". Then you look that sucker right in his eyes, unzip the fanny pack, and pull out the little velcro bag which is also swagged the fuck out in patches. He better hope his girl doesn't see that...
Enjoy the day.
-Steven
by Steven Bartholomew |
July 22, 2022
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Yo, do I even need to explain this patch to you guys? Either you know it or you don't. But for those of you who like to claim you served, I got a story you can use the next time you want to spill your bullshit military stories at the family BBQ.
I went through many obstacles while I was in the service. Some minor and some that I thought I was never going to be able to get through. But that's the point right? That's what Boot Camp prepares you for, to tackle all of the bullshit you MAY encounter out in the "Fleet". Two deployments, countless underway, and a stint in the Shipyards can be a real pain after a while. But nothing I faced was more of a pain than my Peanut Butter Shot in Boot Camp.
Let me paint you a picture. I was a starry-eyed 18-year-old, homesick as hell but excited for what my enlistment would be like. Three or Four days into P-days, which is a whole other story, we were scheduled to get our vaccinations. I thought "No, big deal. I've had plenty of Flu shots in my life." Except, no flu shot ever required me to pull my pants down, bend over a table, and stare a fellow recruit in the eyes as we awaited our shots together. Now the guy across from me was a 28-year-old, previous construction worker from Oklahoma who was enlisted on a Seal contract. He was stone cold at all times and showed zero emotion the entire 8 weeks I was with him. (He is actually a Seal now) He was getting his shot before me, so I thought, "Okay, I'll see how he handles it and that will give me a good idea where I'm at." So, they give him his shot, and this dude slams his fist on the table, groans out, and then yells "Fuck!". Knowing I was next, and seeing his reaction, we looked at each other and all I could say was... "Fuck".
The next morning, they woke us up, and forgetting how miserably sore my ass cheek was from yesterday's shenanigans, I hopped right out of the top bunk and my leg gave out because I was still so sore. I sat on the floor and just watched as the same thing happened to about half the guys that jumped out of their top racks. A couple of days later, we were all back at it and forgot about the whole experience. Until one night we were folding the clean laundry we just got back and all of us held up our underwear we wore during the Peanut Butter Shot Adventure. We all had matching blood stains..I think that's when we really came together as a division.
Fun Fact, I actually still have that one pair of Whitey Tighties with the blood stain on them to this day. I don't wear them, I just keep them to look at whenever the recruiter calls me to ask if "I'm interested in the reserves?"
This Patch is also available as a Sticker!
-Steven
Check out some more classics we've restocked:
1. Follow Me on Onlyfans
2. Policia, Cabron
3. Patrick Bateman Business Card
4. Morally Flexible
5. Bawn Journo
by Steven Bartholomew |
July 21, 2022
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3:00 PM, On a Friday
The first time I caught a glimpse of Frank Reynolds was in Season 4, Episode 13, which is coincidentally the episode that inspired the "Troll Toll" Patch. I was only 11 or 12, so I didn't understand any of the jokes and I was still getting over the Penguin nightmares from watching Batman Returns a few years prior. After becoming an adult, I began to get a better understanding of where Frank was coming from. After all, we're all just air conditioners walking around on this planet, screwing each other's brains out.
Like Frank Reynolds, we're not for everybody. I actually get reminded quite often in our inbox of just how "not for everybody" we really are. That's just the downside of being the customer service representative for a company with a knack for alienating people and pissing them off. At least in the Navy, when somebody told me to go fuck myself it was usually for a good reason, not because a rubber patch ruined someone's whole day.
Sticker available. But you have to get one or the other, because of the Implications... Ok, get both.
Hope to see you at the party in the park this weekend,
Steven
