by Steven Bartholomew |
September 26, 2022
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Now Open, the Violent Little Jerk Store!
We've all been there. One of your boys hits you with a derogatory remark, and for the life of you, you can't think of anything to come back at him with. I bet you feel like George before he flew all the way to Akron to let Riley know that "The Jerk Store called, they ran out of you." See the problem with this comeback wasn't in the creation, it was with the foundation.
There's no "Jerk Store", and I gotta agree, the whole thing was a little confusing. But what do you expect? George half-asses his way through every aspect of his life so why would his comebacks be any different? Maybe if he was a little less concerned with the cocktail shrimp and a little more concerned with contributing literally anything to the board meeting, he wouldn't be in this mess.
This isn't about some lowsy comeback. No. It's about not cutting corners and being prepared, or somebody else whose putting in the fucking work will come take your lunch. I guess in this case, your cocktail shrimp.
Steven (A.K.A. T-Bone)
by Steven Bartholomew |
September 21, 2022
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Alright, ladies and gents. We have a brand new patch and I'm really excited about this one. I think it's one of our finest yet. I'm happy to announce the new addition to our Seinfeld patch collection, TOM's RESTAURANT. The best restaurant in New York City sitcom history, from the show about nothing, is now in patch form.
I can't imagine a better place to eat lunch. Where else can you sit in the same booth over and over, order a big salad, and make a bet with your friends about who can go the longest without masturbating? Not at Central Perk, believe me. Don't get me started on 'FRIENDS'. You're either a Seinfeld fan or a Friends fan. You can't be both. Here at Violent Little, we're Seinfeld people.
I'd be remiss if I forgot to include our George Costanza Professional Model patch. The man does it all. He's a hand model, an architect, a latex salesman, and the Assistant to the Traveling Secretary. I'd like nothing more than to have some tuna on toast at Tom's with George. There's an argument to be made that he's the wisest character on television.
-Steven
by Steven Bartholomew |
September 19, 2022
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I also like spaghetti.
I’d say almost every single person who served has their own “Captain Sobel” experience. (Like just some person that’s fucking borderline psychotic about the chain of command hierarchy.)
Mine, A-school in Pensacola circa 2017, there was this AO instructor (This is hilarious cause IFYKYK.) who was the biggest cuck I ever met in the military. This dude would literally sign himself up on the Barracks PO watch bill (or whatever they called it) to be the one on watch every Friday Night. Not only would he be standing at the door 2 minutes before liberty expiration to get the names of everyone who was late, but he conducted mandatory barracks room inspections at like 7:30 pm on a Friday even though everyone was supposed to be off. The dude straight up sucked. I bet the marines here are like, “What the fuck is he complaining about? That sounds like a normal Friday night...let's rage!”
Lucky for me here at Violent Little, Yanne is about the exact opposite of Captain Sobel. Don’t get me wrong, there is still a clear chain of command, followed by detailed supervision and monthly contraband inspections. But besides that, it’s pretty fucking chill here. Pack orders, watch movies (For inspiration), and stay in touch with some psychos in our DMs. Our business meetings usually end in us just bullshitting about Jiu Jitsu. As long as I don’t use the company card at Molly Browns (our local gentleman's establishment), it’s pretty smooth sailing.
(Addition by Yanne during the editing process)
Yanne: I'm glad to know you don't think I'm like Cpt. Sobel, Steven...maybe give it some time?
I really didn't think Cpt. Sobel was all that bad. Was he a dick? Yes. But was he there to be friends or to train Easy Company to keep the Germans from "geschtickingfeld" a bullet in their heads? If you want a friend, get a dog. If you want to win a world war, start training and shut your mouth.
1) The "extra" shit that Easy Company had to do really didn't seem that bad compared to BUD/s. At least they didn't have to do it with a nasal infection and hypothermia. And 2) Captain Sobel actually seemed a lot fairer than most of my BUD/s instructors (from class 276 for any curious fellows).
Easy Company was going to war...and they can't take a few spaghetti hill fuck fuck games? It seems like that's all the military is these days. Those are free reps on somebody else's dime that are getting you up to speed on the unfairness of life, eat up boys. Eat it all.
I have a saying here at Violent Little that I say to all the employees (and anybody else that will listen)...I been saying that shit for years: "The results are the results."
Everybody hated playing for Bill Belichick until they started winning superbowls. Did Easy Company take the Eagles Nest or didn't they? Hard to argue with the results, and hindsight is 20/20. Get to fucking work, boys!
We appreciate you all, HI HO SILVER!
-Steven
